Queen City, Green City
How local groups, schools, and businesses are jumping on the all-electric zero-emission sustainability wagon.
By Bob Woodiwiss
Illustration by Adam McCauley
700 WLW radio is broadcasting the first renewable energy radio program in the world: By mounting Bill Cunningham’s microphone in front of a large wind turbine, the talk show host’s unrelenting stream of hot air turns the blades rapidly, generating enough power to run the station for the three hours he’s on the air.
The Sierra Club is working to improve the Mill Creek’s water quality rating from “Aieeee, It Burns!” to “Ow, It Stings!”
Duke Energy announced plans to replace its conventional coal-fired power station in Moscow, Ohio, with a “clean coal” plant. In a press conference, company officials pledged that the new facility will produce zero emissions, be built in Atlantis by the Justice League of America, and go on-line by Octember of the year after whence.
To improve local air quality, all Catholic churches in the Archdiocese of Cincinnati have converted to smokeless incense. Also, by year’s end, Archbishop Dennis Schnurr will have replaced his old, timeworn mitres with new LEED-certified mitres.
A high-tech fuel converter now allows the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Gardens to run the in-park train using waste oil drained from four of its restaurants’ deep fryers. The only change Zoo visitors will notice is that the locomotive is 5,000 pounds heavier and has to stop every 100 yards to catch its breath.
Motivated by health and environmental considerations, many of Cincinnati’s better chefs serve only free-range chicken and grass-fed beef. Celebrated chef/restaurateur David Falk, however, is going one step further, requiring any animal that is to become an entrée on his menu to have spent a year eating abroad.
Farmers throughout Ohio are making the switch from growing soybeans to growing organic soybeans, an effort that has yet to persuade non-farmers to switch from not caring about soybeans to caring about soybeans.
To reduce its carbon footprint, the Creation Museum is beefing up its insulation with an additional 18-inch layer of shredded science textbooks.
Suburban sprawl and the resultant loss of farmland has been slowed by over 50 percent in the past year through the conscientious efforts of union construction workers who are voluntarily working 50 percent slower.
The Cincinnati Bengals are spearheading an effort to reduce noise pollution in the city by continuing to field a team that’s not worth cheering for.
Bootsy Collins has agreed to dispose of any excess funk in full compliance with EPA standards.
Originally published in the August 2010 issue.